The Random Blogs...
Thor Goes to Epcot
Posted by Linda | Posted on Friday, June 19, 2010
Sixty years ago, in a tear in the fabric of time sent Thor, the Norse god of Thunder, to Milford, Nebraska in the year 1946. Stripped of his powers and unable to get home, Thor had little choice but become a part of a world that no longer worshipped him. He settled down, as best he could, and married a lovely young receptionist by the name of Connie Newberger.
Today, we find Thor on a family reunion/vacation at Walt Disneyworld, Florida, with his wife, son, Jason, daughter in law, Judy and two young grandchildren Rebecca and Elizabeth.
EXT. DAY – FRONT GATE OF EPCOT, SECURITY CHECK POINT.
The rest of the family wait impatiently inside the park as Thor struggles with security.
CASTMEMBER: I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid you can’t bring swords into the park.
THOR: Heathen blasphemer! Have you no idea who I am?
CONNIE: Here we go again.
CASTMEMBER: Really sir. I’m afraid they’re a security risk.
THOR: Mere mortal, surely you jest.
JASON: Dad, come on.
THOR: I am the great and mighty Thor! No one shall deny me from my battle armor!
ELIZABETH: Hurry up Grandpa, we’re missing all the good rides!
THOR: (to Elizabeth) Just a minute sweetie. (to Castmember) Had I still possessed my strength I would rain lightning bolts upon you!
CASTMEMBER: I’m sorry sir. Is it possible for you to leave it in your car? We’ve also got lockers available outside the park. I’m sure it’ll be safe there.
JUDY: (to her husband) Seriously is he going to do this at every park?
THOR: I simply come here on my trusty steed—
JUDY: Scooter
THOR: -- to partake in your muses and merriment, and I’m denied from these simple pleasures on the need to protect my family?
CASTMEMBER: I’m afraid so sir. (to nearby castmember) Call in back up. (to Thor) Those things can seriously hurt someone. I’m sure you can actually find a lovely selection of toy swords in our gift shops.
THOR: I am THOR! Son of ODIN! You dare insult me? Why in my youth I would have split you neck like a twig!
CASTMEMBER: Sir I’m sorry, if you don’t put away the sword, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
REBECCA & ELIZABETH scream
JASON: (to castmember) I’m sorry, don’t worry, we’ll handle this. (to Thor) Listen, dad.
CONNIE: Don’t bother. You remember the time we tried to go to Six Flags. He took Bugs Bunny hostage because his armor kept setting off the metal detector. I’m taking the girls. We’ll meet you in Innoventions. You know what you have to do.
Connie, Rebecca, Elizabeth, and Judy all walk into the park. Two castmembers and a security guard come to the gate.
THOR: I will crush you like the tiny human you are! You will cower before me!
JASON: Dad --
THOR: Fear me insignificant pittance!
JASON: They have ice cream dots.
THOR: You will rue the day--
Thor suddenly turns his attention to Jason.
THOR: (to Jason) Ice cream dots?
JASON: Yes. Ice cream dots.
Thor hands the sword to Jason, who hands it to a security guard. They enter through the gates.
JASON: C’mon Dad. Let’s go.
CASTMEMBER: Thank you! And have a magical day!
FADE TO BLACK.
Yakov Takes Over the World
Posted by Linda | Posted on Friday, February 19, 2010
YAKOV (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE)
You can do this Yakov. You can totally do this. You’re just blending in. You look like a typical American tourist watching the Winter Olympics...no one is staring at you. All that research you did about American Cinema is totally paying off...No one is staring at you! You look fine...typical American...totally normal. All you have to do is wait for the signal. No one knows you have a death ray under this hat...totally fine….better than fine...good...yeah, you look good...sexy even...that chick over there is totally into me...just wait for the right moment...if you hold the Curling Finals hostage, they’ll have no choice but to turn over the government to me. Then it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump away from world domination...yeah, world domination...that chick will REALLY be into me when I’m ruling the world...just waiting for the right moment...
The Impossible Meeting
Posted by Linda | Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010
VP: I need you to schedule a meeting with the Crocodile Hunter, Stephen Hawking, and God.
Assistant: Uuuummmm.
VP: And please make sure you don't schedule it during my lunch hour, I hate that.
10 minutes later...
VP: How are we on that meeting?
Assistant: The Crocodile Hunter is available, I've left word with Stephen Hawking's office, and well, it looks like God is all booked up for the week.
VP: C'mon, what does God have to do? This meeting is really important. I really need you to get this done.
Assistant: I'll give Stephen's office a call again.
10 minutes later...
Assistant: Okay, I spoke to God's office and they can squeeze us in on Monday at noon. Stephen is actually going to be speaking at Oxford that day, but he's willing to conference in from England...and the Crocodile Hunter can actually make it at noon as well.
VP: I said I didn't want anything during my lunch hour.
Assistant: Well, I thought you might actually push your lunch to 1:00, you know, because of the urgency.
VP: Didn't God have anything available this week?
Assistant: Nothing that the Crocodile Hunter and Stephen could make it too as well.
VP: Well, Stephen Hawking shouldn't be dictating my schedule. See what times the three of us can do it.
10 minutes later...
Assistant: Okay, we could do a 45 minute conference call on Friday at 3:30. Stephen said he would break early during his lecture...and God said he would walk out of his 3:00 early.
VP: And what about the Crocodile Hunter?
Assistant: I thought you said he didn't need to be on the call?
VP: No, I'd really rather he give his opinion. Oh, and make sure you book the conference room on this floor, I hate going to another floor.
10 minutes later...
Assistant: Okay, the Crocodile Hunter can be here at 3:00, but he has a 4:00 over the hill, so he'll have to leave at 3:30. Stephen will conference in at 3:30 and God will leave his 3:00 early and be down here at 3:30. I've book the 3rd floor conference room...so you should be all set.
VP: Oh, I spoke with God this afternoon so we should be good. I don't think we'll need to meet afterall. Thanks though.
Dolores' Christmas Cards
Posted by Linda | Posted on Friday, February 5, 2010
Dolores: Come here Q-tip. We’re going to take pictures for Christmas cards. Yes we are. Yes we are.
Q-tip: This won’t make up for the fact that you can’t have children.
Dolores: Don’t you look silly with that on your head. Yes you do.
Q-tip: Have you thought about an online dating service?
Dolores: Now hold still.
Q-tip: Because he’s not coming back you know.
Dolores: Hmmm…maybe we should try the Santa Clause hat instead.
Q-tip: A knitting circle doesn’t constitute a social life.
Dolores: No, the Santa Clause hat is too much. Oh, I know! The reindeer ears!
Q-tip: Maybe join a gym. Drop a few pounds.
Dolores: Are you just the sweetest, most adorable kitty ever! Yes you are.
Q-tip: I’m going to kill you while you sleep.
Mary and Bert
Posted by Linda | Posted on Thursday, January 21, 2010
INT. COZY ENGLISH PUB – NIGHT.
MARY POPPINS sits across from JACK, a handsome 40-something gentleman, as they gaze into eachother’s eyes. The two laugh and make small talk.
Suddenly the pub door swings open and BERT comes in from the snowy winter’s night, and happens to come across Mary and Jack’s table. Mary catches a look at Bert from the corner of her eye and is visibly upset.
MARY: (to Jack) Great. (she mouths the word “awkward")
Jack stands a little confused.
MARY: (feigning surprise) Bert! What are you doing here? What a surprise. (struggling for words) A pleasant surprise.
BERT: (annoyed/hurt) Mary. (Looks over to Jack) And who might you be?
JACK: I’m her –
MARY: (interrupting) Uh…this is Jack. A friend.
JACK: Close friend.
Mary shoots Jack an annoyed look.
BERT: (to Mary) I thought you said you were leavin’ town.
MARY: Uhhhh…my plans changed at the last minute. I’m afraid the Banks family needed a little more help than I first thought.
BERT: (excited) Oh, so you gonna be ‘round for a while.
MARY: Uhhh…maybe, but you know, I don’t know how much time I’m going to have and-
BERT: Listen Mary.
Bert sits down next to Jack completely ignoring him. He takes Mary’s hand, and she pulls it away.
MARY: Bert, please, stop larking about.
BERT: Mary! I can’t get you out of my head…ever since our um…jolly holiday. (smiles)
Mary begins to blush.
MARY: It was pretty great --
Jack whips his head at Mary.
MARY: --but Bert. Listen. We had some fun. That was it. You know I’m not really the settling down type.
Bert begins to tear up.
BERT: You said I was special.
MARY: And you are, but let’s not fool about Bert. I think we’re better friends than we are anything else.
Bert becomes increasingly angry.
BERT: Supercalifragalisticexpialadocious off Mary!
He stands up. Jack flinches.
BERT: And you (points to Jack) Watch yourself. One day it’s all penguins and carousels and then it’s as black as a chimney.
Bert begins to stomp off.
MARY: (yelling after Bert) Bert please!
BERT: Chim chiminey this!
Bert flips her off on his way out the pub. Mary begins to compose herself. Jack sits confused.
MARY: Like I said. Awkward.
THE END
Squirrels of Our Lives
Posted by Linda | Posted on Monday, January 4, 2010
EXT. GRASSY FIELD – DAY
CINNAMON, A MIDDLE-AGED WELL-TO-DO BUSINESS SQUIRREL APPROACHES ED, A YOUNG, HANDSOME PLASTIC SURGEON SQUIRREL AS HE’S EATING LUNCH.
CINNAMON:
(Angrily)
We’ve got a lot to talk about.
ED:
(nervously)
Cinnamon! Hey, how’s it going? What brings
you to my neck of the field?
CINNAMON:
Don’t play coy with me. You know exactly why
I’m here. How could you do this to me? She’s
my daughter!
ED:
Cin listen, it’s not what you’re thinking! She
came to me! SHE asked me for help!
CINNAMON HOLD HIS PAW UP.
CINNAMON:
You were like a son to me. I took you in when no
other squirrel would even look at you! I put you
through medical school for christsakes! And this is
how you repay me? You mutilated my daughter!
ED:
Mutilated! I think you’re overreacting just a tad here.
We’re talking cheek implants here! Nothing over the
top. Just one or two nut sizes bigger. Tasteful.
CINNAMON PUNCHES ED IN THE FACE.
CINNAMON:
Tasteful! The thought of you even looking at her cheeks that way makes me sick! You’re dead to me, Ed.
CINNAMON TURNS AROUND AND BEGINS TO SCAMPER AWAY.
ED:
Cinnamon wait! Let me explain.
CINNAMON TURNS BACK TO LOOK AT ED WHEN SUDDENLY A SEMI COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND HITS CINNAMON.
ED (CONT’D):
(with paws waving in air)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
FADE TO BLACK
Adventures of the Food Network
Posted by Linda | Posted on Monday, January 4, 2010
FADE IN –
INT. FOOD NETWORK CONF ROOM – DAY
TYLER FLORENCE, BOBBY FLAY, RACHEL RAY, PAULA DEAN, ALTON BROWN, GIADA DELARENTIS, AND SUSIE FOGELSON, VP OF PROGRAMMING GATEHR AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE. EVERYONE IS CHATTING BEFORE THE MEETING GETS STARTED.
SUSIE:
Okay guys, I think we’re just about ready
to get started.
TAPS THE PHONE
SUSIE (CONT’D):
Emeril, are you on?
EMERIL (v.o.):
What? Hunh? Yeah I’m here. What?!
Hold on. (TO SOMEONE ELSE) No! I said I wanted a jet! Not business class, not first class,a mother f’n jet! (TO CONFERENCE) Sorry, go ahead.
BEAT
SUSIE:
Okay! So as I was saying, thank you everyone for
coming to this brainstorming session for our big 2007
Thanksgiving Day Special. We’ve got a lot of ground
to cover so let’s just dive right in. Shall we?
JUST THEN A VISIBLY DRUNK SANDRA LEE STUMBLES INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
SANDRA:
‘Sup bitches?
EMERIL (v.o.):
Christ is Sally drunk again?!
SANDRA:
It’s Sandra! You didn’t seem to have trouble
remembering it when I was –
SUSIE:
--okay! Onto the first item. We need something
different this year. Something flashy.
TYLER:
What? Like Rachel’s engagement ring?
BOBBY BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY. SANDRA STUMBLES TO THE TABLE.
BOBBY: Good one dude. Hi five!
BOBBY MOTIONS FOR A HIGH FIVE BUT IS DENIED.
RACHEL:
Oh you guys are so silly. But speaking of
which, hey, Susie, what did the network say
about my pitch for my wedding special?
SUSIE:
Uhhhhhh….
RACHEL:
Cuz I am, you know. Engaged... To a man.
SUSIE:
I really think we need to stick to the topic at
hand. Um…. would someone mind waking Paula
up?
GIADA NUDGES PAULA. SHE WAKES UP WITH A JOLT.
PAULA:
Turkey! Right, I think we should smoke it.
TYLER:
I don’t think that’s the only thing she’s been
smoking.
BOBBY LAUGHS. AND ONCE AGAIN MOTIONS FOR A HIGH FIVE. TYLER SHAKES HIS HEAD.
SUSIE:
Thank you Paula for bringing us back on topic.
Does anyone have any ideas for an intro? I was
thinking about a montage of family photographs –
ALTON:
What about acting out the first Thanksgiving using
sock puppets?
SANDRA
(slurring):
Alton, if they didn’t buy that idea last year, what makes
you think they’re gonna buy it this year?
ALTON:
Why don’t you throw some Cool Whip on a pound cake and leave this to the real chefs here?
SANDRA:
Watch it baldy!
SUSIE:
Sides! What about sides? We were thinking something
really chic this year. You know pomegranate salsa
instead of cranberry sauce…
BOBBY:
Ohh! Blue cornbread stuffing?!
EMERIL (v.o):
Oh for the love of Pete Bobby! Does everything you make
have to have blue corn in it? Let me guess, you were
gonna add chipotles to it right?
BOBBY:
Oh you’re one to talk! You’d think you had stock in Fois
Gras farms with the way you use it!
EMERIL (v.o):
Bite me.
EMERIL HANGS UP THE PHONE. PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, BOBBY RAISES HIS HAND FOR ANOTHER HIGH FIVE.
TYLER:
How many times do I have to tell you, dude? You’re
not gonna bring back the high five.
SUDDENLY RACHEL SCREAMS. THIS DOES NOT HOWEVER WAKE SANDRA, WHO HAS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR.
RACHEL:
Oh my god! I think I lost my engagement ring!
NO ONE REACTS.
GIADA:
Seriously Rachel. It’s getting old. We all know you’re
engaged. TOO A MAN!
RACHEL:
Listen hussy! I was doing cooking shows when you
were in junior high!
GIADA:
That’s not the only thing you were doing from what
I hear.
TYLER AND BOBBY BOTH LOOK AWAY. RACHEL BEGINS TO CRY.
RACHEL:
…just because Tyler and I were in a relationship –
TYLER:
--Hold on! Hold on! Relationship? Is that what they’re
calling it nowadays? Cuz if that’s the case, you’ve had
“a relationship� with everyone at the food network!
BOBBY LOOKS UP FROM HIS SHOES.
TYLER (CONT’D):
So help me Bobby, if you try to high five me
one more time—
RACHEL GETS UP AND BEGINS TO RUN OUT THE DOOR. SHE TRIPS ON THE PASSED OUT SANDRA LEE, BEFORE LEAVING THE ROOM.
PAULA:
That girl is just gonna have to learn how to keep
those legs –
SUSIE:
--moving on!
PAULA:
I’m just saying. Even that gay fiancé of hers ain’t
gonna like it if she’s samplin’ a little too much from
the buffet.
GIADA:
Oh Paula, you’re so wise.
PAULA:
Sweetheart, you may want to take off your jacket.
It’s gonna get awful warm up my ass.
SUSIE LAYS HER HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE IN FRUSTRATION.
GIADA:
I don’t need to take this!
GIADA STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM.
TYLER:
Wait! Are we still meeting back at my place?
TYLER FOLLOWS GIADA OUT OF THE ROOM, TRAILED BY BOBBY.
BOBBY:
Sorry, he’s my ride.
PAULA STANDS UP. SHE WALKS OUT THE DOOR.
PAULA:
Sorry darlin’. I’ve got a pedicure at 3.
SUSIE, DEFEATED, PULLS HER HEAD UP FROM THE TABLE AND LOOKS AT ALTON.
SUSIE:
So, sock puppets, eh?
FADE TO BLACK.
The Temp...on Funemployment
Posted by The Temp | Posted on Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy President's Day! Yes, even you Arizona. For those of you that have the day off, congratulations! For those of you that don't, thanks for, you know, making the country operational and whatnot. For most, this is a day to remember our nation's leaders, or at least the two who's birthday's fall close enough in the month of February (Nothing says "Happy Birthday Washington and Lincoln" like a mattress sale). For me, however, this is a day of sheer terror.
I know that most of my phobias are normal -- Acrophobia (heights), Arachnophobia (spiders), even Coulrophobia (clowns). One of my phobias stands apart however -- my fear of Abraham Lincoln. I know I stand alone in this fear. I know this mostly because according to Google, there is no technical term for "fear of Abraham Lincoln." I consider this a grave injustice.
As silly as it sounds, this fear is real and, in my opinion, entirely justified. The reason for this dates back to my high school days, specifically, my advanced placement U.S. History class. One terrible night/early morning, I found myself sick, sleep deprived, hopped up on a hallucinogenic combination of both Nyquil and caffeine, typing up my essay about our 16th President hours before my paper was due. As I was sitting alone in an eerily quiet room at 3am, I began to read about some lesser known facts about Lincoln. Specifically how he was a manic depressive and how sharp objects needed to be removed from the oval office in fear of him hurting himself. It was around this time that I began to hallucinate that I saw Lincoln standing behind me with a letter opener. Now you imagine that creepy, creepy looking man lurking behind you with a letter opener and see how you feel about him! Yeah, yeah, Emancipation Proclamation, whatever. He is a creepy, creepy looking man. Since that day, I cannot look at a picture of Abraham Lincoln without thinking he's trying to kill me.
Most days, my fear is manageable. I'm okay with pennies, I can avoid looking at five dollar bills, and I usually keep at least 50 feet between me and "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln" at Disneyland at all times. For me, the only thing creepier than Abraham Lincoln is a robot Abraham Lincoln.  It is only on days like today that I can't leave my house without seeing a closeout sale at a car dealership or watch TV without running into a documentary on the Civil War. For me, today is the true Halloween.
 The Lesson: Lutraphobia is the fear of otters. Yeah, there's a technical term for THAT, but not for a fear of our 16th president of the United States. Pfffffft.
The Temp...on Funemployment
Posted by The Temp | Posted on Monday, January 18, 2010
Happy MLK Day everyone...well, not you Arizona.
I love Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Not only does it remind me of the power one man can make against a system, but it also gives me one very important thing -- playmates.
That's correct. Playmates. Not in the bunny sense of the word, but in the original "friends to play with" sense of the word. Let me demonstrate a typical Monday conversation between me and my working friends:
Temp: Hey, whatcha doing?
Friend: I'm at work, leave me alone.
Temp: Wanna play freeze tag?
Friend: Seriously, I have a real job. Leave me alone.
Temp: Pleeeeeaaaaase! I'll let you play with my new jump rope!
Friend: I'm hanging up on you now.
Temp: That's fine, I didn't want to play with you anyway. Oh, and also, you smell.
--click--
Unemployment can be a lonely place. Sure, you can go to the movies on a Monday afternoon, but you'll likely do so alone if most of your friends are working. Sure, I have several comrades in joblessness, but it's hard to ask someone to go to the movies if they're trying to figure out how they are going to pay rent.
That is why I love MLK day. Not only is it the day off that sneaks up on you after the holiday season, it also means that Susie can come out and play! I'm afraid I can't really stick around, there's a game of duck duck goose with my name on it. Arizona, you are not invited.
The Lesson: Thank you Dr. King. One man had the courage to change a nation, and may have unintentionally made it a little more fun too.
The Temp...on Funemployment
Posted by The Temp | Posted on Thursday, January 14, 2010
I don't think anyone actually enjoys jobhunting. If you do, I hate to break this to you, but you are likely a robot.
Today's search started out pretty normal. UTA Joblist, followed by Entertainmentcareers.net, followed by Craigslist. As I sorted through the mass of equally soul-sucking job postings, I figured that today would be another bust. That was until I came across this post on Craigslist:
Make money as a Party Entertainer: Clowns, Characters, Singing Telegrams
Craigslist, have you been reading my diary? Let's see if I have the qualifications.
- You must have a car, drivers license, and a social security card legal to work in the usa.
- You must have every saturday and sunday available to work.
- You must be very kid friendly and be great with them.
Check, check, and check-ish. What's next?
- You must be able and totally willing to wear full-body mascot costumes such as Elmo etc.
Lack of dignity, check.
- You must have or have the ability to create a loud booming powerful clear voice to animate the costumes you are wearing and to control and entertain all the kids at the party, even when you are wearing the more difficult costumes.
Sixteen years of incredibly elaborate and gravity defying Halloween costumes have prepared me for this one. Thanks Mom. Check.
- Males hired must be 5'8 to 6' lean with no protruding stomach to fit into the skintight Spiderman and Batman costumes (sorry no bulky body-builders because the costumes are made to fit only average lean guys). No facial hair either because clowns and Batman and Superman don't have mustaches or beards.
I appreciate your accuracy. I find it a little hard to imagine a mustachioed Superman. And for the ladies?
- Females hired must be thin, attractive, and look in their 20's to pull-off the "princess look" that will please the customer.
Thin may be a stretch, but not only can I "pull off" the princess look, I'd like to think I look damn good in a tiara. Future in children's entertainment here I come. Wait, I wonder if my severe and completely rational fear of clowns may be problematic.
The Lesson: I don't care what people say, clowns are not to be trusted.
The Temp...on Funemployment
Posted by The Temp | Posted on Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I pride myself on the fact that I’m not a sheep, well, not in the literal sense. I think most people are pretty happy with the knowledge that they are not in fact actual sheep. I, on the other hand, do not believe that I am in any way a follower. I don’t subscribe to trends simply because they are considered hip. The fact that I use the word "hip" should prove that I am not a trendster.
I say this only because my affection for the Asian Tapioca Pearl Tea drinks was not sparked by a wave of hipsters thinking they were the new black. I discovered them in 1994, when a friend opened my eyes to the sweet, chewy, multi-tasking beverage. It even requires learning a new skill, the art of sipping and chewing simultaneously.
My love of these dubious beverages, coupled with my unemployment, have not, however, made a lovely pair. I've realized that I'm saving an average of $70 a week not buying lunch and Starbucks everyday, so I figured that the occasional Boba, as they are authentically termed, couldn’t be that damaging. After all, my venti lattes were setting me back almost $4 a day. I even found a new place that actually mastered the art of Boba. They could make them sugar free, or even with Soymilk instead. It was the Asian Starbucks I had always dreamed of. It even had a friendly staff and a regular cast of douche bags feverishly typing away on their laptops (she says as she feverishly types away on her laptop). I thought I had found my home, until I realized that said Asian delight set me back $5.35 for every drink. That took the cake. A drink even more expensive than the famous “Five Dollar Milkshake" in Pulp Fiction.
It was this inflated price that led me to my next ill conceived project: my surprisingly sober decision to attempt to make Boba Milk Tea on my own. How hard could it be if there was a new tea shop popping up around every street corner. First thing first, obtain tapioca balls. Thank you Google. I found an Asian market nearby that carried them. Surprisingly, it was a simple enough find, located just next to the other tapioca balls. I quickly went home to look up the recipe.
Though time consuming, they all seemed simple enough. Boil for 25 minutes, soak for 25 minutes, drain, rinse, soak in sugar. My excitement kept me close to the stove for the first 20 minutes.
After noticing absolutely no change in the texture or color of the tapioca, I let them continue to cook while I retired to the den to watch TV. Never Been Kissed was on. Now, I know, I own the movie and can watch it whenever I want, but there’s something about that movie that compels me to watch it whenever it’s on. It also unfortunately compelled me so much that it wasn’t until an hour later that I noticed the burning smell emanating from the kitchen. My normal motto of "I won’t run unless something is chasing me" went out the window as I dashed over to the kitchen. I was smart enough to not open the lid until I ran outside the house. The gelatinous and yet crispy substance I discovered in the pot is forever burned into my mind, and well, the pot. Alas, I have not mastered the art of tapioca, but on the bright side, I may have created a new life form.
The Lesson: Some tasks are best left to the professionals. Oh and make sure your smoke detector’s batteries are changed regularly as not a single one of them went off.